Lost My Muchness

It’s the evening of my first Christmas with my husband and yet I feel rather depressed. I have so much running through my head and I’m on such a mix of meds it mades my head all fuzzy. I feel asleep and then when my husband came to bed, I woke up and can’t sleep.

I can’t work, I can barly leave bed, and there is so much to do, espessically if the baby is coming early like she seems to want to. I feel useless and throughly frustraited with the entire thing.

It’s clear Joslyn doesn’t like the pills we’re using to stop the contractions, she kicks and sqirms and when it’s close to time for the next dose I start having them again.

I’ll be honest, I’m afraid.

Afraid of haveing her too early.
Afraid of not being ready when she gets here.
Afraid that the meds I’m on are hurting her somehow.
Afraid it’s somthing I did that brought on the pre-term labor.

I’ve spent the past six years dreaming of a time when I would have a child of my own. I can’t help but fear I’ve hurt her chaces of being a heathy girl already.

I know getting upset isn’t any good or any help, but pretending everything is fine and holding it all in is just as bad.

I just don’t know what to do to make anything better.

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About lowkiespeaks

I am a poetess, a mother-to-be, a pround woman, and stubborn beyound reason. View all posts by lowkiespeaks

One response to “Lost My Muchness

  • Virginia Bagley

    Meaghan, it’s nothing you did, I’m sure of it.
    The best thing you can do for you and Joslyn right now is to just trust that it’ll be ok.
    Stressing out is not going to help your body.
    Facing the facts, maybe, but make sure you know when enough is enough.
    I love you! And hey- my mom had tons of complications with all four of me and my siblings, and as far as I can tell, we’re alright, minus the weirdness that just seems to run in the family. And I hope your daughter does get your weirdness 😉

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