One day, when I’m a little braver…
I’ll do something like this:
Been thinking about all the possibilities recently. All of them.
From the end of the world, to being pregnant again.
From coming into a lot of money, to getting cancer.
I must admit it’s very overwhelming and somehow grounding.
Typically I come to the conclusion: Just dance, it’ll be okay.
I start back to work this week, my job has got to be the most stressful part of my life.
Hospitals are insanely stressful for everyone.
But I love taking care of people, it’s all I ever want to do.
I’ve made a lot of choices over the past several years I know a lot of people would not have picked for me.
Going to survival school
Not going to collage
Having a baby (Yes, a choice)
Getting married (In no way related to the above choice)
And no, this life I planned for myself is not perfect. It’s not easy or wholly comfortable. But no one’s life is.
And you know what my life is?
Ultimately happy. Not perfect, I do not walk around in a constant state of bliss. But at the end of it. At the bottom of everything. I am happy.
In all deep honesty, I miss you. What you have become puts fire in my veins and I can only pray you’ll see it yourself before it’s too late.
You always have a place here.
I am weak, I am afraid, I am so very fragile I frequently cry myself to sleep, and I often spend hours convincing myself to get out of bed.
What is important is that I do. Is that I go to work, I change my daughter, I feed my husband. I take care of what I need to and often neglect myself.
This is my sickness, this is my daily struggle.
Maybe it isn’t yours, maybe you say ‘at least’ to that.
At least you have a job.
At least you have a child.
At least you have a husband.
But it is still my struggle, it is still hard, and I am still proud to have continued to defeat it everyday.
Every struggle should be acknowledged, no matter how we might see each other. No matter the ‘at least’s.
Life is hard, no one is good at it.
At least we can all struggle through it together instead of comparing in some kind of morbid contest.